My Resume. by david Spiegel

I have a job. Full time. It's been that way for a month. You might not think that's special, but it took 2 years to get it. So, yeah, it's kinda fuckin special. And I'm hoping it'll last at least 3 months before I decide it's time to have another quarter-life crisis (I hate that term, cause what if I live to 125? then it's a fifth life crisis) and go job hunting again. If I do, this is the resume I wish I had the balls to use. Maybe someday I will.

My resume:

I am, first and foremost, a person (human being is too vague)
That person is male. Is from New Jersey. And is white (you're going to ask me eventually)
I'm Jewish (that part's important to me, less to you cause it doesn't count as diversity hiring)

That person is a writer. A good one, but he overuses parentheses.

My skills:
I can use a computer, but I'm too young to think that that's any kind of accomplishment.
I have a sense of humor.
TiVo
I can use a Xerox machine.
I can finish the New York Times Crossword Puzzle. Even on Friday.
I can multi-task, whatever that means. But you all want a multitasker, so I'm one of those.

My education:
I graduated Summa Cum Laude. Unfortunately I don't speak Latin.
I do speak Spanish. And a little Hebrew.
And English. I speak English good.

Well,
I'm not a moron.
I don't know what I want to be doing 10 years from now, but I want a paycheck next week.
I know how to use the word "fuck" sparingly to maximize its effectiveness.
As in, I know how to use a fucking xerox machine, do you think I'm a moron?

My job experience:
There isn't much. I'm only 24. Deal with it.
I was an intern at HBO one summer.
I worked for my cousin in LA for free.
I teach kids how to misrepresent their intelligence by inflating their SAT scores.
I associate produced a show about New Jersey public schools (stop yawning.)
Now I work full time for a 24 hour cable news network. (the one that isn't inherently evil and used by the Bush administration as a propaganda machine)

If you hire me:
I'll do the job better than anyone who's done it before.
I'll multitask
I'll be self-motivated (don't know what that means either, but you all want that too)
You'll have to show me how to use the fax machine.


Someday, given a situation where it's worth the risk. I might use this. for now, I submit it to the Twentysomething Freakout Diaries as permission to come aboard. Do I get the job?